NOT the average welcome to my website post...
My Annus Horriblis
It's very symbolic that I'm (re)launching TribalMaker's website this month. Covid-19 had pulled the rug from under our feet and had taken the world down the rabbit hole during the last year. As a performer and a dance teacher, my professional world has come to a halt. There were online activities but no live performances to see and get inspired by. No festivals, no students coming to class, no troupe dancing together. I was still figuring out this whole new mom thing, and we lost our second baby while being 20+2 weeks pregnant (our due date was March 18th, 2020). 2020 was my annus horribilis. And Yet, it was one of the hidden opportunities.
Change takes time
I know you are like: "Michalle, it's mid-2021. Why are you still babbling about 2020?!" Well, this is because 2020 basically screamed at me: "Stop everything and think about what is it that you really want for yourself and your family."
The problem is:
I don't react well to screams.
It takes time to start a change. Especially when you have so many habits that are connected to this change. 2020 told me to take a grip and stop daydreaming, start actually working to reach my dreams. And it wasn't an easy start.
In the past year, I was not in a good place physically and emotionally. I knew things had to change. I had to learn to adapt to the changes that happened around me. I needed to evolve. But how do you do this when you are still hormonal and in grief after losing a baby and in the midst of pandemic social distancing with a toddler. Don't get me wrong; I know most of my problems are first-world problems. And yet, I felt lonely and useless. I was raised with the notion of SELF FULFILMENT. Instead, I found myself at 37, full of guilt for not being what I was "meant to be" and full of self-pity of how unfair everything is.
I was at a low point. To evolve past it, I needed to accept the changes happening around me. I was forced to take a good look at what I want my life to be, what and whom I want in my life. But above all, I was forced to accept the elementary fact that:
I CAN NOT HAVE IT ALL
I have limited resources, and I need to prioritize what I do to get things done. Rationally I knew it all, but it took forever for the subconscious to accept it.
Yes, this is the second thing we all need to remember:
Change takes time. So show yourself some compassion, don't rush into change. Give yourself the time to change. even if it means that you'll start your "New Year resolution" on April :)